Internet Advice & Digital Boundaries
There is no shortage of advice on the internet. No longer limited to mother-in-laws and strangers in the grocery store, moms in the 2020’s are inundated with very vocal advice-givers in the palm of their hands. Some of these voices are therapists: you’re reading a therapist’s blog right now. Some advice is giving us opportunities past generations didn’t have through the easy access of knowledge about topics through the parenting lifespan. But advice lacks nuance and personalization, even when it’s refined by A.I. Influencers position themselves as proxy friends and trustworthy advice-givers, but they don’t know you or what makes you unique. The advice you get is NOT therapy – in fact, it’s not like it much at all.
In my therapy sessions, YOU are the expert. I see you not only as the number one authority on yourself, but also as the number one authority on your child. Symptoms of depression and anxiety undermine this authority. In the process of therapy, it’s my job to help you get that back.
Why do I feel like I'm failing as a mom? Why am I so overwhelmed by motherhood? Why am I always anxious? I have no doubt that moms in past generations had these thoughts. I have physical evidence that my own mom used to gather magazine clippings to help guide her through tough topics. She kept a huge accordion folder (that I’m now reusing in my office) with tabs labeled with “anger and fear” and “siblings” and “behavior” and one all caps “TOUGH ISSUES.” I imagine her browsing parenting magazines until something helpful and relevant popped up, and then rrrriiiip and into the folder.
My 1980s/1990s mom had some information, but not ALL the information. Moms now? We have ALL the information. We carry the internet and everyone’s expertise in our pockets. We have so much information, that it goes crisscross upside down and backwards till it all contradicts each other and we don’t know what we personally believe any more. Except maybe the belief that we are anxious, overwhelmed, and we ARE failing as a mom. The knowledge-seeking that was supposed to help with those very things end us making them feel them even deeper.
I am not selling you a phone cleanse program (I would be a huge hypocrite if I tried!). But I am asking you this: when is the last time you set a boundary with your phone?
I talk about boundary setting a lot with clients. Oftentimes this centers around people in clients’ lives: mother-in-laws, bosses, friends, to name a few. Digital boundaries can be just as important to our mental health.
A few examples of digital boundaries:
Time (e.g. avoiding phone use at bedtime, or not picking up your phone during a midnight feeding)
Place (e.g. avoiding phone while at the playground)
Themes (if you’re in a vulnerable state, you don’t need to keep up with sensitive topics like triggering news stories etc.)
AI (ask yourself if you really need to engage with AI to find what you need, or if you can do a simple search or even find a source offline)
Unfollow (if an account makes you feel awful, you don’t need to follow!)
Experiment with one or two digital boundaries this week, and notice the impact of mental health. We don’t need to go back to the ‘80s. It’s amazing to be able to resource what we need when we need it. But be aware how it is affecting you, and remember that you have the power to set boundaries and protect yourself from unwanted affects.
If you need more help with digital boundaries, or reclaiming your confidence as the expert in your own life, reach out and see if therapy would be a good fit right now.
